Falling Into His Arms

Today I feel God asking me to share with all of you something I so much wish I could hide. Something so deep and personal, and yet so real and so much a part of this journey that it would be wrong for me to let it go on hidden. You see, this journey that we're on is so much harder on my spirit than I would ever want you to know. There are times when my heart is so heavy, my body so weary and my faith so shaken.

Those times came on me so quickly and without any warning this past week. I fell into a place of despair and felt a heaviness come over me that I can't even begin to describe. I know now that what came over me wasn't from my heavenly Father, but from someone else......someone who whispers words of fear and doubt into my ear.......someone who also knows me........and who desperately wants to find a way to shake my faith and keep me from following the calling on my life to adopt our Maia. That someone holds more power than I have given him credit for, but he surely does not hold as much power as the ONE who is holding me! I don't know why he chose this week or why he chose me. I even told my Mom that I was on such a high last week spiritually, with an unshakable faith, with a sense of peace. So this fall was even more surprising because I never saw it coming.

It began with several days of insomnia and then came the excruciating migraines. After two days of terrible headaches, I felt my spirits beginning to waver. I felt a sadness wash over me, and a dark cloud beginning to cover me. My mind began filling with fears about adopting, fears about my own inadequacy, fears about Maia, fears about everything. Marty was beginning to be really worried, but I struggled on and tried to ignore the feelings welling up inside. By Thursday nite, I knew I had hit a very dark place. I layed awake and cried out to God for hours. Another sleepless nite passed and my whole body ached as I began my day on Friday. I made it through the morning, and then took Peanut to school. After arriving home, I saw an email from our program director about an increase in orphanage fees. Quickly I opened it and read the news. our fees are going up by $2000. and the fees will be due when our Letter Of Confirmation comes. $2000. And our Letter is due any day.

Why today? Why at the end of THIS WEEK? It was the final straw for me after a LONG week of trying to keep it all together. It was good I was alone. It was good that my sister was on the other end of the line. It was good that God already knew that this moment was about to happen. It was good that He was about to let me fall into His arms. Because fall I did. The tears flowed for over two hours as I laid my heart before Him. I laid it all down, my fears, my worries, my inadequacies, my burdens. I laid it right there on my living room floor. The time came for me to pick up Peanut from school and so I gathered up my couch full of tissues and off I went to meet him. The evening was quiet and uneventful and then I worked another 12 hour shift yesterday. Again, I didn't sleep Friday nite much, but something was happenning in my heart. I was slowly surrendering. I could feel it happening. I fell into bed last nite, exhausted, but lighter. I knew I was different. I slept so soundly last nite and awoke this morning without a headache for the first time in 5 days. I know that this burden is gone. And I know Who is carrying it. I still do not know how we will pay another $2000. I have no plan. I have no secret stash of money anywhere to draw from. But I have something far better than any plan this morning. I have peace. I have a Heavenly Father who sees our needs before we do. I know He knows how we will come up with this sum. And this morning,that is enough for me.

"He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalms 91:4