By His Grace

When I was pregnant with Peanut,

I read every parenting book.

Magazine article.

And free flyer I could get my hands on.

Because I wanted to be ready.

To be prepared.

To be the best Mommy I could be.

With the right routine.

The right schedule.

The right formula.

And then.

And then came Peanut.

My beautiful baby boy.

Who didn't quite fit any description of any child.

With any routine,

In any book

Anywhere.

Our Peanut was so unique

So special.

That not one article seemed to describe him.

Not one.

And my plans for a predictable schedule

Went right out the window.

By about day 2.

Because my Peanut had colic.

And because he didn't sleep much.

Because he was allergic to milk.

And to soy.

But mostly because He was his own little person.

Made in the image of my Heavenly Father.

Just the way he was meant to be.

And I learned really quickly.

That I was gonna need a Plan B.

ASAP.

But I was a new Mommy.

And I desperately wanted him to fit into a routine.

Because I needed a routine.

And sleep.

And sanity.

But what I needed.

And what my Peanut needed.

Were two very different things.

And so began my journey of parenting by God's grace.

Instead of by the book.

Which was a big stretch for me.

Because I kind of like to have control.

To have predictability.

Things that you usually have.

Before kids, that is.

So when we made our committment to Maia,

I thought about reading a few books.

And I did buy some.

And I actually did read them, too.

But I looked at them differently this time.

Because I was suspicious.

That if you can't fit your biological child into the mold.

How will you possibly fit a 3 year old child with special needs into a mold.

Impossible.

Of course, there were many wonderful ideas.

And many of them are working well.

But there are many moments that I feel lost.

I look at our Maia and wonder "what now, Lord?".

I find myself on my knees more.

And reading my books less.

Because raising our Maia

Has opened my eyes even more.

To the reality that parenting is only about 1% knowledge.

And 99% about God's grace.

How thankful I am that our Peanut never fit the mold.

How grateful I am that Somebody was preparing me.

All along.

To welcome into our family our precious Maia.

Who surely doesn't fit the mold.

But who marches to her own beat.

Her own rythmn.

Just as her Heavenly Father hoped that she would.

With a Mommy who still is learning.

To surrender.

To be led.

To parent by grace.