A friend recently asked me "is it the same?".
And I knew where she was going.
I knew her question was heartfelt.
She was wondering "is it the same feeling you have when you adopt....you know....the same feeling you had when you gave birth?".
Because she, too, is struggling with infertility.
And she has to make that decision.
The decision to do in-vitro or to adopt.
Knowing that neither one guarantees Motherhood.
So it's a risk she must take.
To go one way or the other.
But not able to try both.
And so she's searching for answers.
To that nearly impossible question.
Which one shall I try?
Because I only have one chance.
Oh, how I hesitated to answer.
Not for lack of an answer.
But because of the magnitude of her decision.
And the weight I feared she would place on my words.
And yet she waited.
Eagerly.
Hopefully.
For an answer. For the answer.
How I wish I could give her the answer.
The one behind her question.
The question of "what shall I do?".
But all I could offer was my answer.
The answer that "no, they are indeed not the same".
In fact, they couldn't be more different.
And yet.
And yet both experiences are so beautiful.
So amazing.
So much a treasure to me.
That I can't imagine if I missed out.
On either one.
To compare them would be impossible.
To have your child placed in your arms for the first time, whether he be a dark haired, wide-eyed,squirming baby boy or a breathtakingly beautiful, almond-eyed , timid little girl, that moment.....
That moment.
Is truly unforgettable.
Etched in your mind, in your heart, in your memory.
Forever.
So is the same?
No. Not in the least.
And yet.
Maybe.
In some small way.
The magic.
The mystery.
The miracle.
Was.
Is.
The same.
6 comments:
Also, in a way, the question is irrelevant if she ends up adopting but not giving birth to her children. When all your children are adopted, you're not constantly comparing. You do the best with what you have, and you fall in love with your adopted children because they are the children you have. The details stop mattering as soon as you realize you're in love with them.
Of course, if she thinks she's likely to torture herself with this question, "Is it really the same? Am I missing something?" for the rest of her life, then maybe adoption is not for her. And that's all right. It takes an enormous mental adjustment to be able to look at your child and truly, fully, deep in your heart, feel she's all yours. Especially in an interracial adoption, which, if she wants guarantees, is probably her best bet.
If your friend can prepare herself to make that mental leap before she commits to adopting, she'll be so much the better for it. We infertile women all need to grieve for our inability to conceive, but we should not let the grief consume us forever if we are then to adopt a child who doesn't carry our genes.
If passing on her genes is your friend's top priority, she should acknowledge her feelings and respect them. It's okay to feel that way. She shouldn't feel obligated to consider adoption just because other families are happy choosing it. IVF is a wonderful option. If she feels pulled toward trying for a birth-child, she should listen to her heart and try it.
Whichever path she chooses, I wish her the very best.
I'm tears. I also had that same decision to make: IVF or adoption. But it has always been in my heart to adopt, so it wasn't even much of a debate. My Gotcha is in 11 days, so I can't speak to that experience, but as much as I love my daughter I gave birth to, childbirth FOR ME wasn't that great. so if someone asked me if it's the same, my answer would be, I HOPE NOT!
I have been asked that question many times about Olivia both by people who were curious and people wrestling with their decision. I have never had a biological child but I know for sure that the love I have for Olivia would not be different had I given birth to her. It is different in the sense that I fell in love with her I can't remember my life before her and know for sure she was the child meant to be mine. we all get there at different times. I do agree thought that if the question is being asked then maybe the just aren't there yet. Just my thoughts---- Kate.
girl i'm impressed....you are turning into quite the writer:)
You know, maybe if you adopt a BABY, it is pretty close to the same. Falling in love with an older kid is just by definition different...let's say that through some weird freak of fate, your biological child was raised by others for the first three years of her life. You'd have to contend with unfamiliarity, her losses, your losses, weird behavior and just not having grown up, yourself, with your child.
That probably doesn't say much to help your friend, but you know, I think it kind of helped ME!
This was absolutely gorgeously written. I'm sad I missed it for my Sunday links.
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