Surrender

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by my name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown." Isaiah 43:1-2

It feels right to start my post today with this wonderful verse, full of God's comforting promises to me. I'm really struggling today and wondering how best to put into words where I am. So much has happened in the past few days........so much has changed......and so much may be about to change. As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in March. Hypothryoidism means basically my thyroid isn't releasing enough thyroid hormone, which has been causing me to feel pretty tired, lose my hair, gain weight, and lots of other unpleasant things! The solution is usually pretty simple......a thryoid replacement hormone once a day. Well, my thyoid must have reallllly been shut down because, after three months of medicine, my thryoid levels came back 3x worse than before. Yikes! My doctor decided to bump up my dose a lot and send me for an ultrasound of my thyroid gland, just to be sure things looked okay. I found out yesterday that things didn't look okay. There's some type of growth on the side of my thyroid gland, but it doesn't appear to be thyroid tissue. It looks like either an enlarged lymph node or a parathyroid tumor.....neither one sounds very good. I asked my dr. what this means. She wants me first to be tested for a condition called hyperparathyroidism, which often causes parathyroid tumors. I went this morning for that bloodwork, but it takes 4 days for the results to come back. In the meanwhile, there's not much to do but wait.

Before I left her office, my dr. mentioned to me her deep concern for me and my health and her concern that it might not be a good idea for me to be traveling with all that's happening right now. Knowing how much she truly cares about our adoption, I knew her words were sincere. I was speechless.

I'm still trying to take it all in. I had a few long talks with my doctor.....and then a lot more long talks with God. I told God everything.......my fears, my anxieties, my worries, my confusion.......and then I told Him a few more times, just in case:) I poured my heart out to Him. "I can't have a tumor. I can't have this happen, not now...... I have so many important things to do.....so many people to care for.....and a precious child coming home in a few short months." I sat back and waited for Him to answer. There wasn't any answer. I thought long and hard about the idea that I might not be able to travel to bring home my precious Maia. How could I watch Marty go while I would stay behind? (China allows one parent to travel in certain situations) How could I surrender this part of the journey? I said to God, "If I can't go with M to bring Maia home, please provide someone in addition to my Mom to make the trip with them." I prayed for God to provide a "mommy" figure to go in my place, if it was God's will for me to stay behind. I could think of no one who could make such a sacrifice, but I placed my request in God's hands.

The next morning, I called my dear friend, Amy, and I filled her in on all that was happening......except for my prayer for a loving woman who would go in my place to China. At the end of our conversation, Amy said to me "If you can't go on the trip to bring Maia home, I would love to go for you!". That was miracle number one. Miracle number two came today. My mom has befriended a lady (whom I've never met) who has two daughters recently adopted from China. Over the past few months, my mom has shared our story with her and met her two girls. Today, they met again and mom told her the news about my thyroid. To her complete surprise, this amazing lady quickly said, "I would gladly go along with you if your daughter can't go to China. Please keep me in mind." Once more, I was speechless.

So here I am........in the middle of a journey I thought was all about adoption.....but really about so much more. We have so few answers and so very many questons. M and I went back and forth the past few days........do we continue moving forward with our adoption......do we wait.......do we stop? At this moment, our decision is to go forward. We trust that God will provide all that we need to finish this journey as He has already brought two amazing women to us who are so willing to help us bring our girl home. We ask you for your prayers as we face rather uncertain days ahead. Now, more than ever before, I'm learning what it is to surrender.

"For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So, let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character, ready for anything." James 1:3-4