Our Summer With SuSu

Life around our house has been interesting this summer. I have so much I could share with you, and yet I feel so much should be kept private. I'll be honest and say that my hospital stay really threw our SuSu into a tailspin in May. In some ways, I think she's still reeling from it. Having Mommy "disappear" for 8 days unexpectedly was probably more than her little heart could take. I know none of us could prevent me from becoming so ill, but how I wish we could erase that whole event from our lives, especially for SuSu's sake. It amazes me how fragile our children are in spite of her rather heroic efforts to be "independent" most of the time.

When I say "tailspin", I truly mean SuSu turned a complete 180 after I came back home. Interestingly enough, Prince Charming found that SuSu was absolutely an angel while I was away. But, after the first few days home, everything seemed to start unraveling. And while we were very much expecting this, it still was a shock to us somehow.

I've been struggling ever since to find some sort of solid ground to start back on with SuSu. I haven't shared much about this out of respect for SuSu and all that she's been going through. And yet I know many of you who have adopted will understand exactly where I'm coming from and what we're going through. Our adopted children seem to have a much more exagerated response to losses, and understandably so. Having Mommy suddenly gone for a week was hard enough for Peanut, but very very unsettling for SuSu, who has already lost a China Mommy and then an ayi (nanny). It definately triggered memories for her on some level, and sparked a whole lot of new and never-before-seen behaviors from SuSu that nearly knocked our socks off. With both of the kiddos being home all summer long, I've had very little time to "process" everything and try to put into perspective all of what we're dealing with. SuSu has definately been settling in a bit more lately, but I can see that heightened insecurity in her in a way I didn't before.

It will be really interesting to see what happens when school starts in the fall. I'm wondering if it will actually be a positive thing for us all as SuSu seems to thrive with a routine and schedule. But then again, it will mean all day away from Mommy, and we know what kind of issues that can bring. SuSu is nearly bursting with excitement about going to kindergarten, so I'm praying this is a sign of good things to come! What I'm realizing is that our girl is very attatched to Mommy (praise God!), that she's extraordinarily sensitive to changes in our routine, and that there are many, many layers to our girl that we have yet to see.

I think that, as time goes on as a family of four, it's easy to forget that SuSu's response to events in our family are going to be much more heightened. Honestly, if you were to walk in to our house today and visit with us, you probably wouldn't see anything amiss. Outwardly our SuSu is very well adjusted and thriving, but inwardly I can sense that she's still a bit "off" in subtle ways. I hope that in time we'll find our way back to where we were in early May, and that this, too, shall pass.


Something I still struggle with as an adoptive Mommy are my expectations of where we should be and when. If I'm learning anything on this journey it's that nothing will fall into place quite the way I'm expecting it to! There is so much I have little or no control over, and timing is most definately one of them. Many days this summer I've asked myself "Why haven't we moved on from this???", and yet I have to remind myself (daily!) that this is a process . In the grand scheme of things, our SuSu has only been home a tiny amount of time and her foundation with us isn't as solid in her mind as it is in ours. I forget that, in her mind, there is still that shadow of doubt that we are forever. How I wish I could erase that fear in her and all that it brings. How I wish we could zip through this part of the process and, yet, that isn't how His design plays out. Day by day, week by week, this is where He wants us. I have to remember this. I have to trust Him with it. Ultimately she belongs to Him. He can and will bring healing in our SuSu. But not necessarily when Mommy wants Him to!

Now maybe I've shared too much. I'm not sure. But I did want to share how this experience has played out for us, knowing that some of you may be in this very same boat and needing the reassurance that you're not alone in your struggles. And please don't worry that our summer has been a disaster, because it truly hasn't. Our Susu continues to radiate so much joy and happiness and many days is her sunny self! It is almost as if there is a little dark rain cloud hovering close by us. Not always over us, but nearby. We sense that we're not quite where we were, but we're in a far better place than we were even a month ago. This is a journey, I have to say. I'm not sure where we are on it, but hopefully a bit further than we were yesterday:)