Boundaries, Part 2

About a month ago I started reading a book that has really been life changing for me as a Momma. The book is called Boundaries With Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and has some similarities to their book simply called Boundaries that I had read many moons ago. What gave me the idea to look for a book about boundaries was the fact that I was really struggling in my relationship with our little one. As much as I wish I say that our bonding has come easily, I would be hiding many of the realities of what it's really been like becoming Maia's Mommy. Even though she officially became ours almost 12 months ago, the journey of becoming mother and daughter is one that's taken more than my signature on paper. It's one filled with emotional mountaintops and valleys. One filled with moments of unimaginable joy and moments of deepest despair. I say this not to paint a scary picture of adoption, but to share how my heart has been so tremendously touched and changed as I'm learning to love and become a Mommy to my precious SuSu.


It's hard to imagine, before you bring your child home, what it will really be like when she joins your family. As much as we prepared ourselves for the possibilities, I never imagined how the scars from her past would haunt us all as the weeks and months went by. When the honeymoon was over and little pieces of our Maia's past started coming together, we found that just beneath the surface of our beautiful, smiling Wuxi girl was somebody so very broken. Her fears, her insecurities, her deeply wounded spirit......they all were suddenly our constant companions. Where there had been so much joy, there was suddenly sadness. Where there had been laughter, there were tears. As a Mommy, I wanted to heal her. I wanted to make all that was wrong somehow right. I rode the emotional roller coaster with our SuSu for a long time. And in the midst of her grieving, I lost my sense of direction. My sense of self. I lost my compass. I was in unchartered waters and I was drowning.


I cried out to God many, many times for answers. I wasn't prepared to face the magnitude our Maia's brokeness. Her pain was something so deep that it really scared me. I was afraid of the place where we were. Where my SuSu was. And yet I knew He had called me to walk through this place with her. This place where neither one of us knew the way. As a Mommy I wanted to heal her. But my Heavenly Father reminded me that I wasn't the Healer. I was the place where healing would come. I was her safe place to come to, but only He could heal her.

But if I was her safe place, what did that mean? I didn't feel very safe. I felt more like a bastketcase than a soft landing. And so He led me toward boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries meant that even though God had blessed me with a double dose of empathy, I needed to let SuSu's emotions be separate from my own. I needed to begin helping her sort through her memories and her feelings, but I also needed to let her own them. They were hers. Wow. Instead of falling to pieces with her, my role would be in guiding her through the tricky business of coping with all of her jumbled emotions. She needed a Mommy who was strong and whole. Who could help her find her way from brokeness to healing. No matter what.

One of the best pieces of my own puzzle that I found in Boundaries With Kids was the permission to set up healthy boundaries that I had been hesitant to set up before. That boundaries can be loving and positive. That I can ask SuSu to please find something to play if I need some time to pay the bills or make a phone call. That it was okay to let time-outs be spent in her bedroom rather than in the living room where she was often tempted to create quite a scene to keep Mommy's attention. It was okay to say "I understand that you're angry today, but it's not okay to talk in that tone to us or to throw toys when you're angry." It was okay to temporarily take SuSu out of a playdate if her behaviors were escalating or if she wasn't sharing. It was okay to let consequences happen.

I think it was so hard for me to start initiating boundaries because I sensed how much our SuSu was hurting. And I backed away from discipline and consequences because I wasn't sure if then she would question my love. But in letting our boundaries get so blurred, our love for each other had become far from healthy as it was. And what I needed to be reminded of is that, even when we're going through difficult circumstances, God still asks us to obey Him. He doesn't temorarily change the rules because we're sick with the flu or because we've lost our job. He holds us accountable no matter what our circumstances. But He also loves us unconditionally and our place in His heart is never in jeapardy. And this is what He asks of me as His child. To mirror this relationship as a Momma. Whether my children are adopted or biological.

This was hard for me to swallow. I love our SuSu to bits. My heart still aches for her and all that her little eyes have seen in this world. Sometimes maybe my empathy is my own worst enemy. Because love means sometimes saying "no". Because I need to be a good example to her and to Peanut of how we respect each other's boundaries and deal with our emotions in a healthy way. Being a Mommy is a high calling. It definately is pulling me out of my comfort zone! I definately won't ever get accused of having too many rules (my Mom has to smiling at that one!), but I really am learning how to separate who I am from who SuSu is. Her journey will be her journey. She needs me to be her safe place as I always will be. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. But she needs me to set limits, too. I want her to see what healthy love looks like. Because I'm thinking she probably has only ever known unhealthy ways of loving.

When I think about what I want most for my children in life, I think about relationships. In my life, relationships have meant everything to me. Finding a wonderful man to share my life with, being blessed with two beautiful, miracle children.......these are by far what have meant the most to me. And how I pray that my children will find fulfillment in relationships in their lives, too, whether it be with friends or spouses or children. And those future relationships depend so much on what we learn at home in our families. How to care for each other. How to meet each other's needs. How to say "no" without worrying about love being taken away. How to say "yes" without fearing being taken advantage of. Healthy love. Healthy boundaries. This is what I need to remember. What I do today will matter tommorrow. And the tommorrow after that.

And this is where I am. Still learning. Still trusting. A work in progress.